Hang on: here's my pit bull rant

Everyone knows that dog and cat lovers can't be rational about cats and dogs.

Several days ago, a 2 year old boy was so badly mauled by the family's dog, a pit bull, that his tender little life is still hanging on by a thread and it would not be surprising were he to die.

I look at pit bulls as similar to a stick of dynamite. It's safe unless misused by someone. I have known several pit bulls, and the ones I knew were wonderfully friendly with me. Except for the fact that I always carry a dangerous knife with me except when flying, any of these dogs could have killed me had they switched into attack mode.

If ever attacked by a pit bull, I'm giving it my left arm and my right arm is going to open up what is called a "tactical folder" (a folding knife used as a Plan B knife by special forces solders and SWAT team members), and I'm going to slice it's throat from ear to ear.

Dog lovers will say, "Dogs are never the problem; dog owners are." First, I'm not totally convinced that dogs can't get sociopathic genes just the way people can. Secondly, this platitude isn't a solution to the problem.

I suppose I could say that sticks of dynamite aren't the problem, dynamite handlers are, except that a stick of dynamite just sitting there, while having lethal potential, does not have a little mind of its own and is a lot less likely to just spontaneously explode than a pit bull is to switch into attack mode and maul someone. We don't always know why pit bulls attack.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think pit bulls are bad dogs per se. The ones I've known have been almost excessively friendly and were practically canine clowns. Maybe due to their sad history, they actually enjoy being around people more than other dogs. One exception, however, seems to be small children.

Now, the right to own a dog isn't a Constitutional right, and while I generally hold the view that we should have all the rights we can unless there is some substantial need not to have them, owning a potentially lethal dog seems to be one of those things that should minimally be licensed, and owners subjected to bonding and to severe penalties should the dog ever attack anyone. (And by "attack," I mean an attack even if the dog is restrained by the owner.)

We license guns, but at least a gun can't go off unless someone actively pulls the trigger. Dogs have triggers of their own.

All too often, when going around town I see that the people with pit bulls are in gang attire or look to be the sort whose own life is hardly under control and may actually involve illicit activities. You know, the sort of people who try hard to look tough, probably due to some deeply-held feelings of inadequacy, similar to the big-tires=small dick thing (which may or may not be true in a particular case, but many of us think it).

And pit bulls are not the only dogs which might be licensed. Remember poor Diane Whipple, the 100 lb woman who was literally torn appart by a pair of presa canarios in San Francisco? These dogs have pit bulls for lunch. They weigh about twice as much as a pit bull, are very sturdily built, and have jaws massive enough to engulf a small child's head. The dogs that killed Ms. Whipple were actually well over the breed's standard, which calls for a maximum weight of 88 lb. Both of those dogs weighed more than Ms. Whipple. She literally had no chance of surviving the attack. She might as well have stepped into a river full of crocodiles.

This breed, though monstrously capable of killing, is thankfully rare, but other more familiar and common breeds are attack problems as well. According to the CDC, pit bulls are at the top of the list, followed by Rottweilers (typically much larger than pit bulls and so probably even more likely to fatally attack), german shepherds, huskies, malamutes (a type of husky), and doberman pinschers.

Sure, we have a right to own a dog, but we also have a right to drive a car or get married, and both of those are subject to license. I have no problem with licensing and bonding the owners of certain breeds of aggressive dog.

If it's dog owners who are the problem, then the owner is the appropriate place to address the problem.